


Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

by sassyandsodone



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, Gen, Prostitution, The Misadventures of the Bounty Hunting Trio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-08-16
Packaged: 2018-08-09 05:55:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sassyandsodone/pseuds/sassyandsodone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After various attempts failing to catch one criminal, desperate times call for desperate measures. And it's pretty obvious they're desperate when Felix is pretending to be a prostitute. What could possibly go wrong?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes the Panic! At The Disco Song song "Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time." Hope you enjoy!

“Why did I agree to this plan?” Locus sighed as he sat inside a car parked on the side of a street in the bad side of town at midnight.

“Oh, yeah, cause you have a better one,” Felix said over the coms. At least he was using it.

“Any plan would be better than this.”

“Look we’ve come this far,” Siris interjected, “we might as well see this through.”

“Yeah, not like you’re doing any of the heavy lifting here!” Felix antagonized.

“This was your plan,” Locus retorted.

“Please, stop arguing. We’re all in position. Let’s just do this,” Siris spoke. He sounded tried, that or he was completely fed up.

Locus sighed and looked out the passenger’s side window. Felix was leaning against a building on the other side of the street, next to a couple of prostitutes. He fit in perfectly. And Locus still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that that was the plan. The three of them had been trying to catch this one man for two weeks with no luck. They hadn’t even gotten close but they knew he tended to shop in this neighborhood. Felix had come up with the idea to pose as a prostitute and get into the guy’s car. It was one of those suggestions Locus and Siris ignored. That is until the bills came and they still didn’t have their man. Desperate times called for desperate measures. And Felix dressed like streetwalker was certainly desperate measures.

“Can you see him?” Locus asked.

He saw Felix looked down the street. “What car am I looking for?”

“A black jeep,” Siris said. “And I don’t see it from here.”

Siris was positioned on the roof a building across the way from Felix for a wider line of sight.

“I don’t see it,” Felix said.

“...what if he doesn’t show up?” Siris asked.

“Then we have Felix make us our money back,” Locus replied.

“Hey, I’m not a slut...okay, I’m not a prostitute.”

“You owned that outfit before this,” Locus said. The whole situation was absurd.

“You know a better way to pick up guys?”

“Call me old fashioned,” Siris interjected, “but I used to actually talk to people I was interested in-”

“-instead of dressing like a dominatrix,” Locus muttered.

“Do you wanna be the streetwalker tomorrow?”

“Oh, god, we might have to do this tomorrow…” Siris realized.

“That’s a terrifying thought,” Locus added.

He leaned back in his seat. It was probably the strangest mission they’d ever done. Then again, every time they went with one of Felix’s plans it ended up being strange.

Felix started humming, just what Locus needed.

“Can you not?”

“I'm bored, asshole. Wish I’d brought some cigarettes.”

Locus looked out the window. On Felix’s right there were two women who were very clearly prostitutes. They were talking while one smoked a cigarette. On his left was a man looking pretty bored as well. “The woman on your right has some. You could ask her.”

“Nah.”

“What an amazing people person, you are.”

“Hey, don’t you fucking start with me-”

“Focus, guys,” Siris interjected. “Focus.”

Felix sighed. “Why do you always take his side?”

“I’m not taking sides. I’m stopping it.”

“Whatever…”

There was moment of silence on the radio and Locus was grateful. He looked around the interior of his car, also being pretty bored. The passenger seat was filled with guns and backseat was empty. Locus looked to his door and decided he should lock it.

“Guys, there’s a car coming,” Siris said.

Locus and Felix both looked.

“Is it our car?” Locus asked.

“Nope,” Felix said and leaned back against the wall. A silver car drove up, rolled down a window and the man next to Felix got in. The car pulled away and they were back to being bored.

“Who knew being a prostitute gave you so much down time? If I was at a club, I would’ve gotten laid by now.”

Locus swallowed a sarcastic remark about Felix being cheaper than a streetwalker.

“It occurs to me,” Siris said, “we could be here all night.”

“Then, I’m gonna need to take off these heels.”

Locus sighed.

“Hang on another car’s coming,” Siris said.

Locus leaned over to the other window and saw Felix look down the street.

“Black jeep, guys,” Felix said. He sounded almost excited.

“I can’t believe this is actually happening,” Locus muttered as the car pulled up. The window rolled down, presumably, the person inside said something but he couldn’t hear it.

“I got this,” Felix said and strutted over to the car. He opened the passenger side door and got in. The door shut behind him.

“He’s in. I can’t believe this is working,” Siris said.

“It isn’t over yet,” Locus cautioned.

He couldn’t see Felix in the car but he could still here.

The man in the car spoke and fortunately, Felix’s earpiece picked it up. “You’re under arrest for prostitution.”

Locus facepalmed and yet couldn’t help but chuckle.

“What the fuck?!” Felix yelled.

“You have the right to remain silent-”

“That won’t be easy for him,” Locus nearly laughed.

“-anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.”

“...It’s a little late but I think that’s the wrong car,” Siris said. He sounded amused.

“You have the right to an attorney-”

“Get your fucking hands off of me, you motherfucker!” Felix shouted. He clearly did not find this amusing.

“-if you can’t afford one, one will be provided for you-” the police officer spoke. He seemed to be struggling. Not surprising. Felix was not the type to come quietly. “And stop moving!”

“I’m not a fucking prostitute!”

“You did just get into the car for that reason, Felix. Let’s be honest,” Locus interjected.

“You shut up, and help me, asshole!”

“Who are you talking to?” the cop asked.

“Oh, shut up! I am not a fucking prostitute!”

Locus could hear a fight breaking.

“Do want to be charged with resisting arrest?! Just come quietly, Jesus,” the officer exclaimed.

“Just do what he says, Felix,” Siris said. “It’ll be easier.”

“But I didn’t- I’m not-,” Felix cut himself off with a groan as Locus heard what was probably handcuffs locking. The car started to drive off. Locus watched intently and waved goodbye.

Siris laughed. “I guess we should head down to the station to bail him out.”

“You don’t fucking say,” Felix muttered.

“He didn’t take your earpiece? I’m surprised,” Locus said.

“I hope your gun misfires and kills you.”

“Excuse me?” the cops asked.

“We’ll be there soon, Felix.”

“Or…” Locus said.

“Or what? What are you planning?!”

“Locus?” Siris asked.

“We could always bail him in the morning.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Felix shrieked so loudly it made Locus’s ear ring. Presumably, that was when the police officer noticed the earpiece as Felix’s line went dead.

“Felix?” Siris asked. “Felix?...Yeah, I think he’s offline. Now, you were saying.”

Locus smiled, this was his revenge. “We don’t have to bail him out tonight. We could just enjoy the silence.”

“...keep going.”

“We could get something to eat without him nagging.”

“...well, it is only midnight. Yeah, let’s see if we can find a place that’s open,” Siris said. “I’ll meet you down there in five minutes.”

Locus smiled and leaned back in his seat. It was blissfully quiet. Felix was going to hate him even more than he already did but he’d come by with the bail money in the morning. And he’d bring Felix a doggy-bag from dinner. Partner’s always have each other’s backs.


End file.
